L'Chaim
by heatherpoulette
Summary: Eli turns to his younger years for answers on who he has become.


**_Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. If I did Eli would not be an atheist and he would have had the Degrassi gang over for latkes and applesauce on Hanukah._**

**_This story is dedicated to AvivaAria and DanaMoss as well as to themusiksnob for the conversation that sparked the inspiration._**

He ran his fingers through he newly short hair, amazed at how much he liked he feel of it. He went into the bathroom and admired it from all angles, thinking how easy it would be to get ready for school now. It both surprised and pleased him that he could enjoy this new look, thinking back to his younger years when he was convinced his longer hair and black garb were tied to his essence, how without them he was not really Eli Goldsworthy. It had been a long summer, filled with countless individual and family therapy sessions interspersed with many hours of playing video games and watching movies with Adam as well as the occasional coffee with Fiona when she was in town. But now the summer was over, he was ready to return to Degrassi knowing he could trust himself again to not lose it especially when it came to Clare, and was actually looking forward to his senior year. _New look, new year, same old me _he thought wryly with a smile.

One last glance at himself in the mirror suddenly reminded himself of something long forgotten. A fleeting image of himself with similar hair, much shorter than he was now, wearing a ….suit? He shook his head laughing at himself. Why of all things to remember, did his new haircut bring back memories of his bar mitzvah? He had not thought of that time when he was 13 in ages yet suddenly all the memories surrounding it came flooding back no matter how he tried to erase their awkwardness. The years of Hebrew school leading up to that momentous day when he was "officially a man" according to Judaism, the hours upon hours fighting with his parents to practice his prayers, his Torah portion, to write his interpretation and his speech…the huge fight with his mother over picking out the suit he was to wear to temple that day he wanted black even though this was right before his all-black days (she insisted on dark blue and had been victorious)….getting through his Torah portion flawlessly and then stuttering over the Aleinu even though it was practically the last thing he needed to do to complete the service….and then celebrating afterwards with his family and close friends in the restaurant they all loved. He recalled his father shouting _l'chaim _ while handing him a beer, saying with pride "today you are a man" and then explaining to the family the difference between being just a man and a being a mensch, a person with integrity and honor, and how that was what he saw his son as becoming.

A mensch….had he become that? He needed to know what his father saw in him that day that he felt his son was on his way to becoming one, rather than what he had evolved into over the past few years. He went downstairs to his parents' photo albums and there in the back it was, album so proudly labeled "Eli Becoming a Bar Mitzvah" even though it's hokeyness seemed a little out of character for his rock and roll parents. He flipped through the pages of himself and his parents standing on the bimah, his mother beaming at the camera with her hair all crazy and her leopard print dress, his father gazing down at him with the shine apparent in his eyes. The maroon yarmulke slightly off center on his own short hair, one shot of him gazing at the torah, another out at the camera with a mix of embarrassment and happiness that this day had finally arrived and no more meetings with the Rabbi or the Cantor would be needed. The obligatory family shot with his grandparents and cousins. Photos from the restaurant, being lifted up in a chair, his parents being lifted up in chairs despite the limited amount of space…everyone happy and looking at him like he had accomplished something wonderful, continuing the tradition of his ancestors, officially becoming a Jewish adult.

He reached for another photo album, feeling the need to see more family, to reconnect with his past. Photos of vacations, of a little version of himself with his parents lighting the menorah on Hanukah and fighting with them to hold the shamash candle all by himself (they eventually gave in and he only lit one napkin briefly on fire), of the trip to NYC over the Christmas break the same year of his bar mitzvah with the three of them (who had taken the pictures he wondered?) in Wo Hop on Mott Street (where he swore he saw a picture of his dad with some band on the wall) and the Angelika movie theatre on Houston, continuing with their tradition of Chinese food and a movie on Christmas Day….that was the last year he remembers celebrating Hanukah with his family. Shortly after that he declared he was an atheist, and although his parents still tried to uphold some of the traditions they had always included him in, it just did not seem the same with Eli so blatantly sneering at them, and soon trips to his aunt's for Passover and family menorah lightings became a thing of the past, although his parents continued to light the menorah every year and buy him small Hanukah presents.

He thought of Clare, and how her strong belief in her religion almost seemed to help her get through her rough times this past year. Almost. He wondered if she ever regained some of her faith now that her mother had remarried, and if she was back on a path of forgiving others (although judging from her recent falling out with her best friend, it was more than likely she had not returned to her convictions.) He remembered how when he was little the traditions of Judaism always made him feel good even though temple services were endlessly boring. He was curious if he would ever return to the traditions of his youth, if somehow that would help him become the mensch his father had such strong belief he was on a path to becoming. He wanted to be that person of integrity and honor, but just perhaps got a little lost on the way these past few years. Very lost if he was going to be completely honest with himself.

He went back up to his room and there, way in the back of his closet in a small box that he had hidden what seemed so long ago. Opening it, he was surprised to see not only what he was looking for but also a yarmulke inscribed The Bar Mitzvah of Eli Goldsworthy as well as the temple program from his Bar Mitzvah day. Underneath was the small jewelry box with the silver Jewish star necklace his grandparents had given him when he five. He remembered being so excited to get it and wore it proudly for months on end. The star, so appropriately sized for a a five year old, now seemed so small and vulnerable in it's velvet box. He removed it from the chain, took off his own silver guitar pick necklace, fastened the tiny star to the back of the guitar pick and put the necklace back on. No one could see it, but he could feel it clink against the guitar pick and it's presence was comforting. He did not want anyone, especially his parents, to see it and question the meaning of it because even he did not know why he had placed it there. He hoped however to someday figure it out. The yarmulke and bar mitzvah program went back into the box along with now star-less small silver chain and back into the depths of his closet.

He ran his fingers through his hair again, catching the reflection of himself on framed glass poster on his wall. It was not just the change in his hair this time. It was a change in him. He was going to become what his parents knew he had the potential to be. And that he now believed he had as well.

_End_

Definitions:

mensch: a good person with integrity and honor

l'chaim: to life

shamash: the candle used to light the other Hanukah candles

yarmulke: traditional head covering worn by Jewish men


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